All's Well That Ends Well

Sep 02, 2024

gray road — Photo by Fré Sonneveld on Unsplash

It could only be described as “Odor of Dog Kennel” OR as the French might say… Eau de Dog Kennel. By Dior.

Unfortunately, the smell wasn’t the first accostment. And. It wouldn’t be the last.

Funny enough, the first thing that gave me a feeling of “Hell-NO-I-don’t-wanna-sleep-here” was actually a weed. A single weed. Growing out of the front gutter.

Look y’all. If you have plants. Full. Grown. Plants. Growing out yo’ gutters. Get a ladder. Get a trowel. And get your ass up there to clean that shit up. Gutter gardens. Just plain nasty. Often indicative of further, more heinous unkemptness.

This place did not disprove this point.

Look, I’m a dog person. But even I have standards. The smell in the place was like being smothered in the face by a dank, wet dog. And for you dog owners out there, when a saturated Fido rubs (or shakes) his wet stank all over you, you consider the “Big Sleep” early.

But, my friends. The party was just getting started.

In an effort to get away from the smell, we headed out back to the big fenced in yard. A major highlight on the Airbnb listing. At least it was in the photos.

Ready for this one?

Well, I wasn’t.

The dogs promptly ran to a corner of the yard where they began rapidly gobbling at the ground like a couple of hens.

Ok, remember when we were kids and some little shit would say, “Do you like seafood?” And me, never a picky eater, AND never one to let a question go unanswered, would emphatically respond with a big fat “YES, of course I do! Why?!”

To which that little shit would open his mouth, revealing a disgusting display of masticated food particles on his tongue and say

“SEE. FOOD!!!”

That’s what came to mind as I screamed at my dogs to get away from what turned out to be… (drumroll please)

Vomit.

Piles and piles of vomit.

While I scrambled to use my dogs poop bags to scrape as much of the excrement of the ground, Peter grabbed the hose to finish it off.

Needless to day, we were feeling less than excited about this new lifestyle of ours.

America. Here. We…. Yup, I’m Done. No need to see ya.

Look, this story has a happy ending. I promise.

But, not before one of our dogs, while we were momentarily consumed with booking a new Airbnb, found a rogue vomit pile on the other side of the yard and gleefully rolled in it.

Over and over again.

She smelled so wretched that the wet dog smell inside paled in comparison.

So, after a bath for the pup. And after a tearful phone call to the very sweet, very accommodating Airbnb host of Puke Puppy Palace, we made our way to Airbnb Number Two.

As soon as we walked in the door, we were greeted with the smell of clean. Clean has a smell. And it’s heaven on earth.

I’m not gonna lie, if this second place had turned out to be a shitter too, this road trip would be bleak. Probably over.

But, all’s well that ends well.

Peter and I learned a thing (or two) that I would love to share.

Always check out a place before you unload your dogs and all your shit from the car. Yes, this includes a full on metal-detector level sweep of the backyard.
And trust that, no matter how bad it may seem in the moment. Even if you’re man handling some stranger’s vomit while your dog makes a perfume out of it. You can handle this.

Because all’s well that ends well.

And, my friends, it has ended well : )

Mystic, CT up next.

Hopefully sans vomit.

—Lauren

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