On Grieving
On giving yourself permission to say goodbye
As I go from room to room, armed with bubblewrap, packing tape and a cardboard box begging for mercy, I am reminded...
Grief is a good thing.
If we had nothing to grieve, that would be just sad! A life with nothing/no one worth mourning? NO. THANK. YOU. Bring on the Kleenex. I’m in for a sob-fest of a life.
With less than 2 weeks from the start of our great American road trip, I am sad to say happy to say, I have a lot to grieve.
Family and friends. Seeing my art hanging on the walls. Crawling into my own bed at night. The smell of a crisp New England day. That local coffee shop with the best bacon, egg, & cheese breakfast sandwiches. Oh, and the little place I’ve called “home” for the past 4 years.
Leaving is hard work.
Emotionally and physically. Emotionally - I’m crying at the sight of random objects yet to find a cardboard home. Physically - my lower back has its own heartbeat and the pizza delivery driver is on a first-name basis.
While I feel tapped out, it’s equally true to say that I’m WICKED giddy. Like have-to-pinch-my-tuckered-ass-to-remind-myself-this-is-really-happening giddy. About all that I will see and experience out there on the open road.
And yet…
I’m also pseudo-prepared to shoot up out of bed one night. Drenched in a cold sweat with the stomach-dropping realization that I am in someone else’s house, in someone else’s state. Wondering “WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!” A sudden wave of that unmistakable ache washing over me, sharp and relentless…
Homesickness.
Just imagining how shitty I’m gonna feel on that night makes my tummy hurt. Right now I’m relieved to be insulated from the pain, too wrapped up (pun intended) in packing materials to feel all of it.
So, look. This is all to say that it’s okay to grieve.
Grieve the loss of a loved one.
Grieve the loss of a place.
Grieve the loss of a job.
Leaving is hard.
Even if you’re choosing it. It’s still hard. And it’s okay to feel that.
Because I have always sucked at goodbyes and because I have always sucked at writing poetry, I would like to leave you with this excerpt from Mary Oliver’s poem “In Blackwater Woods” which says everything I wanted to say here (and then some):
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
Leaving is hard.
But someone has to do it.
Guess it’s gonna be me.
—Lauren
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Drinking the Corporate Kool-Aid
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Lauren! I just sold my home of 4 years and am currently reading this great piece while on a road trip to find our next. So much to feel! Sending you all the best energy!