Eleventh Hour Syndrome
On conquering that last minute self doubt and crossing a major threshold
I don’t wanna leave.
I don’t want to sell my house.
I don’t want to put all my shit in a storage unit.
I don’t want to get in the car and drive around America for God knows how long sleeping in strange beds under strange roofs in strange towns.
Despite the fact that tomorrow night will be my last night in this house. Despite the fact that all the Airbnbs are booked through February and the route mapped out through next September. Despite the fact that it will be someone else’s home come Thursday.
I don’t wanna leave.
The same thing happened to me when I quit my job last summer.
Despite the fact that I had my “I Quit!” script all typed up and rehearsed (yes, I had a script. No way I was gonna wing that shit). Despite the fact that for 3 hellish years I had been crying-myself-to-sleep unhappy. And despite the fact that I literally could not imagine spending the next day there, never mind the next year there.
Yet, when I logged into THE video call of all video calls to give my notice to my two bosses…I had second thoughts.
Nothing like second guessing yourself at the 11th hour, amma right?
To further complicate things my boss who was historically withholding in the compliments department, ironically opened up the video call by saying a whole bunch of nice shit about me. Ha. Better late than never I guess.
I’ve decided to give this obnoxious phenomenon a name…
Eleventh Hour Syndrome
Pretty legit sounding, right?
SO, what the hell is this syndrome/phenomenon/pain in the ass personal dilemma that I speak of?
Well, I’m glad you asked : )
Eleventh Hour Syndrome, I’ve come to discover, shows up right when you’re about to cross a threshold. One from which there is no return.
If I had gotten above a C- in college Biology OR above D+ in college Chemistry - sorry mom and dad - perhaps I would know what the scientific explanation would be. But, you’ll have to settle with my English Literature degree/bullshitting here.
But, I believe Eleventh Hour Syndrome is your brain’s last ditch hope at saving you from The Great Unknown / total self-destruction.
We all love the devil we know. Well, maybe not LOVE. But we can at least tolerate the bastard. It’s what we don’t know for sure that is Enemy #1.
I knew what it was like to wake up every day and go to work (i.e. down the hall) to a job that I hated. And it wasn’t ALL bad. There was some good. I worked with good people, making good money. And if nothing else, the good part was that it was familiar. Familiar feels good.
Just like this house, this life here in NH. I know exactly what it’s like. And it’s not ALL bad. Not at all. There is a ton of good here. Good people, (mostly) good weather, safety, beaches, mountains, memories etc.
But, just like my last employment situation I know in my heart-of-hearts the time has come. It’s past its prime.
My mission is complete.
Today, despite countless moments of WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!?! And the I’m-gonna-puke-I’m-so-nervous-honey-get-me-a-pint-of-icecream-while-you’re-out feelings, I know exactly what to do.
Keep going.
I may want to throw up. I may want to crawl under the covers and force the moving company to move the bed with me in it. But, I know these feelings will pass. Right when I cross the threshold.
And I will cross this threshold. And I will survive.
And so will you.
Whatever threshold moment that you have in your life. Be it completing a road race, changing jobs, or selling your house and living out of Airbnbs.
If it’s right in your heart of hearts, if you know deep down that you need to do it. Then, do it. Come hell or high water. Come crippling nausea and hide-under-the-covers fear.
Do it.
You got this. And, remember, there’s always ice cream when you need a boost.
—Lauren
Cupalo Community Speaks
Rainy Day by Rachel Lockett
It’s been a rainy summer in Minnesota. More than once, I’ve thought about this poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and its broader application to life and loss and finding the joy in hardships.
The Rainy Day
The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.
My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.
Be still, sad heart, and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.
Challenges and disappointments are an essential part of the human experience. "Into each life some rain must fall. Some days must be dark and dreary." I believe that suffering, like rain, is not just a random occurrence but a divine principle that allows us to grow.
In our own lives, we face various challenges—trials at work, personal health issues, relationship challenges or spiritual struggles. These challenges are not meant to defeat us but to refine us. Trials are not punishments, but rather they are teaching opportunities. When we face trials, we must not throw up our hands crying "Why me?" but rather we should ask "What am I meant to learn from this?"
Longfellow also advises us "Be still, sad heart, and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining." And the sun is still shining! Whether we can see it from our position here on earth or not, the sun is ever-present and faithful and shines on. Even through our struggles and challenges in life, we can often find the silver lining, if we look.
Thursday, April 18 of this year was a warm sunny day. That afternoon, I took our dog, Samantha to a grooming appointment. Sami did not enjoy car rides and usually spent the whole ride curled up on the floor of the backseat. But on this day, I had rolled down the window to enjoy the breeze and the warmth of the afternoon and I was surprised when Sami popped up from the backseat and carefully crawled up to the front passenger seat. She had noticed the open window and bravely decided to check it out. She positioned herself on the front seat so that she could just barely stick her nose out the window. I watched her as she closed her eyes and enjoyed the wind in her face. She was 13 years old at this point, with painful arthritis, and could no longer hear very well. But it was clear in that moment that she was happy. I wanted to take a picture of her to capture her moment of joy, but she was sitting on my cell phone. (And, I was driving.)
Three days later, on a sunny Sunday morning, Sami passed away. Most of the family was home and we were all there with her until the end. Afterwards, we were each able to spend the rest of the day processing our individual emotions and comforting each other. The fact that it happened on a Sunday morning was a beautiful blessing.
Into each life, some rain must fall. Pets and people will pass away. Some days will be dark and dreary. Projects will not always go according to plan and things will break. But, I have found time and time again throughout my life that even in those challenges, I can always find the silver lining, if I just look for it.
One of the most important benefits of challenge, struggle and sadness is that it helps us to recognize joy. We could not fully appreciate health if we had never known sickness. Fun times together with loved ones would not be as joyous if we never experienced loneliness. Comfort and safety are so much more precious when contrasted with fear, pain, hunger and suffering.
On December 4 last year, I went to the office just like any other Monday morning. I was excited about my 9 am meeting that day because I would be meeting with my boss and the CEO to share an update on my department's budget. I had managed to reduce some 2023 expenses and had also found additional cost savings from the 2024 budget. I knew they would be pleased. I walked upstairs to the executive floor with a spring in my step. When I entered my boss' office, I noticed that the CEO was not there, and instead the head of HR was sitting at the table next to my boss. It took about 3 seconds for the realization to wash over me. There is really only one reason why a person would unexpectedly walk into a meeting with their boss and the head of HR. After 13 years of service to the company, my role was being eliminated.
I was devastated. I went home and curled up in front of my fireplace and cried like a baby until I fell asleep, exhausted. And then, when I woke up, I felt a calm reassurance that everything would be OK. I began to see the blessings in this terrible challenge, even on that first night. My fear and hopelessness was replaced with peace and confidence.
I have had a few sleepless nights since then. I have interviewed for eight really great roles at awesome companies, and received eight rejections - in more than one instance coming in second place after making it all the way to the end of the process. I have worried a little bit and cried a few more times. Because, into each life some rain must fall. Some days must be dark and dreary. But on the whole, most of that six months was filled with joy, hope and optimism and with little miracles that would not otherwise have been possible.
Now, let me acknowledge that I am speaking from a place of profound privilege. My wonderful, supportive spouse has a good job with health insurance benefits, and he comforts me when I get discouraged. I thank God for that blessing every day. I also know that I have been given this trial as a teaching opportunity. Thus far, I have recognized lessons in humility, patience and empathy. I am still learning those lessons, and there may be more to come.
I have also recognized the remarkable blessings of being “in transition” at precisely this time of my life.
I've been home during most of my older daughter's senior year of high school. We've gone on several college visits and mother-daughter lunch dates that I would not have had time for if I was working full-time.
I've been able to fully enjoy my younger daughter's first year competing on the gymnastics team and the track team. I've been able to attend every meet, even the ones that began at 2 in the afternoon.
I was able to spend quality time with my son while he was home from college, including driving him to his wisdom teeth extraction appointment. (Sorry, I promised not to share the videos.)
I've completed a huge list of home improvement and hobby projects. My house has never been cleaner!
I've had the opportunity to volunteer for gymnastic team fundraisers, host team parties, make meals for friends, give people rides, and provide big and small acts of service I would not have been available to do before.
When Taylor Swift released a 31-song anthology album, I was able to listen to it on repeat nonstop for days. Many, many days.
And, on a Thursday in April, I was home and available to drive my dog to the groomers on a warm, sunny afternoon and join her in enjoying the wind coming in through the car window and the warmth of the sun on my face.
Into each life, some rain must fall. Some days must be dark and dreary. But the sun still shines behind the clouds and it will emerge eventually. There is always light and love and joy to be found when we seek for it.
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In this episode of Cupalo Conversations, host Lauren Hannon sits down with Christian Leva, a distinguished leader in KPMG's application security and controls practice. Throughout the conversation, Christian emphasizes the crucial role of discipline in achieving success. He shares his meticulous process of goal-setting, continuous learning, and his annual review of goals to ensure he stays on track. Christian underscores the hard work and sacrifices behind every accomplishment, cautioning against the dangers of dreaming without action.
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