Don't Put Baby in a Corner
Liberation from Labels and...Cigarettes
Once upon a time, I was a two-pack-a-day smoker.
I know what you’re thinking. “Damnnnnnn, Lauren. I had no idea you were so…so…so COOL!!!”
Mmm hmmm. That was me, all right. Too cool for school. 🤘
So, how did Cigarettes and I become best friends?
Like any peer-pressure susceptible teen, (almost) everyone in my high school was lighting up, so I had to too. Duh!
Never one to half-ass anything, I went all in. With one, very critical exception. I never considered myself a “smoker.” Smokers were jokers, I thought. And I’m no addict.
Smoking was what it was. Simply awesome.
Not just a social conduit or past time, it became a vehicle for study and for deep contemplation. Stepping outside for a puff gave me the time and space I needed to think big thoughts and grapple with everything from English lit papers to my present girl drama. All these positives. Gosh, it’s enough to make a gal wanna run out and buy a pack…Be right back!
{Drives to nearest gas station. Gets to counter. Scans the age-restricted goodies on the back wall. Looks boldly at the cashier and says, “I’ll take a pack of Trident Sugar Free gum, please.”}
Gotcha : )
Like I was saying. I never considered myself a “smoker,” confident I could quit at any time.
And, you know what? I was actually right. For once.
So, what finally got me to quit?
Fear of cancer? Heart disease? Lung disease? Emphysema? Tooth decay? That horrible stench permeating my clothing? Nope.
Money.
God-honest truth, it was money. Smoking wasn’t cheap, especially because my cig of choice was American Spirits. (What can I say? I have expensive taste.) At over $7 a pack, and with my current volume of consumption, it added up to A LOT.
Having just gotten engaged 💍 and with an expensive wedding on the horizon, I knew I had to tighten the belt and start saving some dough. So, that was that. I just quit. This is not to say I never enjoyed another one again. Remember, this wasn’t a health-conscious quitting. I enjoyed bumming one here and there until I was really done. When I started to actually give a shit about my health.
I’m convinced that IF I had labeled myself a “smoker” quitting would not have been so easy.
Human beings. We loooooooove to stay consistent.
We make up little stories in our mind of who we are. We tell those stories to anyone who will listen. And then we try like hell to stay consistent with that version of ourselves. No wonder change can be so difficult. Not only do we struggle to let ourselves change, but everyone else struggles to let us change too. They don’t want to lose their version of us.
To further illustrate my point, let’s turn to one of the greatest cinematic scenes of all time. Okay, okay. Maybe not of ALL TIME. But pretty damn close.
In the unlikely event that you’ve never seen the movie Dirty Dancing - in which case, shame on you – let me explain THE iconic movie moment.
In the final dance scene, the main character Baby (yes, she went by Baby) a mousey, people-pleasing daddy’s girl, is stuck in the corner of a dance hall at a table with her disapproving parents while everyone else, including her sister Lisa, shines on stage. That is, until dance-teacher-extraordinaire and Baby’s heartthrob Johnny (played by the one-and-only Patrick Swayze) comes to her rescue.
Looking her parents square on, he delivers the line heard around the 1980s: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner” and, taking her hand, ushers her onto the stage to show off their highly choreographed dance routine.
Killer scene.
SO what the heck does this have to do with smoking?
Labels.
The labels we give ourselves. And the labels we permit ourselves to be given. Hey, I get it. There’s a convenience to labels. If I tell you I’m a vegan (I’m not BTW) I save myself the trouble of having to explain why I keep turning down burgers at every family cookout.
Simply put, labels make it easier to relate to the world around us.
One problem.
That day you decide to eat that burger or kick nicotine and everyone flips their lid. Suddenly, you’re not the person you said you were. You’re not the person they thought you were.
People want so desperately to remain consistent with who they say they are. With the story they’ve told themselves and told the world. And too often, we fear changing this story. Why risk upsetting the order of things? Of being ostracized from the tribe? Of being called a traitor or phony (hello, middle school)?
But sometimes, we gotta break free.
Because maybe, just maybe, Baby don’t wanna be in that corner no more.
Just as Baby didn’t belong in that corner, you don’t need to stay in your corner either. Just as she deserved and longed to shine on the dance floor, despite what her parents thought and despite her own self-doubt, YOU too deserve to shine.
We must let ourselves come out of our dark, dingy little corner.
We must let ourselves change. We must not marry ourselves to fragile labels like “smoker” or “Baby.”
Let people change.
Let yourself change.
And get your ass up on that stage.
I’m rooting for you, always.
—Lauren
Cupalo Community Speaks:
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Job Hunt
By Jamie Strachan
I was laid off from an Engineering Manager position 9 months ago and have been job hunting ever since. I’ve been in the tech industry for 21 years and the longest I’ve ever been unemployed was a few weeks back in 2004.
I went into this job hunt the same way I’ve gone into every job hunt before. I updated my resume. I tapped my network. I applied for jobs.
And things started to happen. I started getting referrals. I started getting screening calls. I started getting interviews. I started getting callbacks for 3rd, 4th, and 5th rounds. What I did not get were offers.
This went on for months and every rejection chipped away at my ego. It didn’t make sense. I thought I was good at my job. I thought I was good at interviewing. I thought that was enough to get hired. It always had been before.
I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life so this was a perfect opportunity for my brain to start picking at those assumptions. Am I good at my job? Am I good at interviewing? What if neither of those things are true? What if they’ve never been true? What if my success has been luck and privilege? How am I supposed to find a job now that those aren’t working? If I’m not good enough to do the thing I’ve been doing for years, what else could I possibly do?
It took two important realizations to get out of this spiral and feel like I had some control of the process.
The first realization was that hiring teams aren’t making decisions about me; they are making decisions about what they know about me.
Hiring is a series of decisions. Someone has to decide if your resume is good enough to merit an interview. Then someone has to decide if the outcome of that interview is good enough to merit another interview, etc… until finally someone decides whether to offer you the job.
Think about how much information is available at each decision point. How much of yourself can you convey in a 2-page resumé? In a LinkedIn profile? In a screening call? In a 60-minute interview?
Even by the time a Hiring Manager is deciding whether to make you an offer, they’ve only seen a sliver of who you are. Their decision isn’t based on you; it’s based on what they’ve seen of you. A rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of doing a job; it means you didn’t sufficiently demonstrate that you were capable.
If you can’t demonstrate everything then how do you determine what’s important? In some cases, we do this without thinking. In an interview, is it more valuable to talk about your last job or your Grade 3 teacher? Presumably the former.
In some cases, this is harder. When asked about a mistake you’ve made, is it better to talk about the failed project you worked on or the interpersonal conflict you had with a coworker?
The answer depends on your audience.
The second realization was that hiring is about solving a problem that is far more specific than “we need a good Engineering Manager.”
Think about how much your 2-page resume reveals about who you are. Now consider how much that 2-page job posting is really revealing about the job.
Of course they need someone who can perform the core competencies of the job but that’s not all. Maybe they need an Engineering Manager because they are building a new team and want someone to lead the hiring. Maybe the last Manager was let go for poor performance. Maybe the company has pivoted and needs different skills. Add in that different companies in different industries at different stages of growth with different cultures have different measures for success and suddenly no two job postings look alike.
So when you find a job you want to apply for, do your research. Learn about the company, the people, the culture, the product, the competitors, the industry, and anything else that helps you understand the problem they are trying to solve with this hire.
If you only get to show a sliver of who you are, make sure it’s the one that best lines up with a solution to their problem.
These realizations have changed my job hunt. I started by just hoping that what had worked in the past was good enough to get hired. Now every application is about answering two questions:
What is the problem they are trying to solve with this hire?
What are the best ways to demonstrate that I am the solution to that problem?
What this has given me is a feeling of control. I now have levers I can pull and skills I can improve. When I was trapped thinking that the problem was with me, there was nothing I could do. Every rejection was confirmation that I wasn’t good enough. Now a rejection is an opportunity to revisit my approach. Did I understand the problem? Did I sufficiently demonstrate how I can solve that problem? If so, then the rest is out of my hands.
I wish I could end by saying that this has earned me a job. It hasn’t. But now each application feels like I’m getting closer to that point instead of further away.
Cupalo Conversations Podcast 🎙️:
🎥 Watch on YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@Cupalo
🎧 Listen on Spotify:
Episode #14 Unfiltered: A Tech Entrepreneur’s Layoff Survival Guide with Tim Bornholdt
In this episode of Cupalo Conversations, Tim Bornholdt a passionate technologist and seasoned entrepreneur shares raw insights into being laid off and the subsequent job search.
Tim's illustrious career includes giving a TEDx talk on AI, founding numerous organizations and crafting apps used by millions including the Great Clips and Little Free Library app. However, despite his impressive track record, he was not immune to the harsh realities of corporate downsizing, finding himself unexpectedly thrust into the chaos of unemployment earlier this year.
Tim opens up about the profound impact a layoff has on one's sense of self-worth and confidence as well as the pervasive imposter syndrome. Through his candid narrative, Tim unveils the stark truth of the layoff experience, exposing the raw emotions and psychological toll that accompany such upheaval.
Amidst the darkness, Tim emerges as a beacon of resilience and hope, offering invaluable insights and strategies for navigating the waters of job hunting in the tech industry. He emphasizes the critical importance of human connections in finding both solace and a renewed sense of purpose, urging listeners to seek out meaningful interactions.
Furthermore, Tim advocates for the strategic utilization of AI tools to streamline the job search process, sharing practical tips on leveraging technology to enhance efficiency and effectiveness including building and leveraging your own GPT.
Meme of the Week:
LinkedIn: "A recruiter looked at your profile!"
Me: (guy in the middle)
Book of the Week:
Believe It: How to Go from Underestimated to Unstoppable by Jamie Kern Lima
“In life it’s not our experiences that make us unique, it’s our response to those experiences. And to the uncertainty they immerse us in. Where you come from doesn’t have to determine where you’re going, but it definitely shapes the foundation you have to build on.”
Job Alerts:
Exciting things are just around the corner! As we get closer to Q3, I am hearing more and more good stuff in the works. As soon as I have any job openings you will be sure to see them posted here. Stay tuned and stay awesome!
That was a great read Lauren.
Reminds me of Charlie Mungers “Psychology of Human Misjudgment”, number 5 on his list of 25 human misjudgments is “Inconsistency-Avoidance Tendency”
We seem to want to avoid being inconsistent with who we think we are to a fault.
This was awesome, a very fun read.